Old Lyonian Sports And Social Club

Let’s talk about the Old Lyonian Sports And Social Club. It sounds posh, right? Like something out of a stiff-upper-lip British comedy. But trust me, this place is anything but stiff.

The Quirky Birthplace

This club wasn’t built by stuffy lords. It was born from a university drama society. Yes, you read that right. A bunch of theater kids decided they needed somewhere to kick a ball and drink a pint afterwards.

They chose the name “Old Lyonian” to sound fancy. The joke? There were no lions involved. It’s a completely made-up word. They just liked the ring of it.

Sports. But Make It Silly.

You expect rugby and cricket. Old Lyonian gave us “Double Ninepins”. Ever heard of it? It’s like bowling, but with an extra ball and a tiny rubber chicken.

Seriously. The chicken has a name: Clucky. If you knock down the chicken, you lose a point. It’s not in any official rulebook. It’s just tradition. Weird tradition.

They also have a sport called “Stoolball.” It’s like baseball, but you hit the ball with a wooden bat that looks like a giant spatula. Spills are guaranteed. Grace is optional.

The Legendary Bar Races

Every third Friday, the club hosts Bar Races. Teams of four run laps around the bar. But you must chug a half-pint of shandy before each lap. And you must do it while wearing a paper crown.

Old Lyonians v AFC Oldsmiths

The winner gets a trophy shaped like a toilet seat. Silver-plated. It’s called the “Porcelain Prize”. Last year’s winners accidentally set it on fire. They still display the charred remains proudly.

The Quirkiest Members

Meet Barry the Bouncer. He’s 75 years old and has never actually bounced anyone. He just sits by the door, handing out sweets from a giant jar. He also keeps a list of “swear jar” violations from the 1980s.

Then there’s Elaine. She runs the bingo. But she calls numbers using only obscure 1970s pop songs. “Two fat ladies” is fine. “The Mighty Quinn” is number 72. Don’t ask. It just works.

The clubhouse walls are covered in taxidermy. A fox in a top hat. A badger reading a newspaper. Nobody knows who put them there. The committee voted to keep them. They’re “good for morale.”

Old Lyonians Cricket at Pinner View | News | Lyonian Association

Why It’s So Fun

This club is a time machine. Walk in, and you’re back in the 1960s. The carpet smells like ale and possibility. The jukebox only plays songs that are at least 40 years old. And it’s always Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

They have a “Duck of the Week” award. It goes to the member who does the silliest thing. Last week, Gareth tried to slide down the banister on a tea tray. He won. The duck is rubber. It quacks when you squeeze it.

Final Quirk

Membership is lifetime only. You can’t quit. You can’t be fired. You just fade into the wallpaper. There’s a plaque for members who haven’t visited in 20 years. It says “On Extended Holiday.”

The Old Lyonian isn’t about being fancy. It’s about joyful weirdness. It’s where a rubber chicken is a sports icon. Where a toilet seat is a trophy. And where a 75-year-old bouncer gives you Werther’s Originals instead of a pat-down.

So next time you see a sign for it, don’t walk past. Pop in. Just be ready for Clucky. He judges everyone.