St Mary's De Haura Church Shoreham

Let’s talk about a church that sounds like it belongs in a medieval fantasy novel. St Mary’s De Haura Church in Shoreham-by-Sea. Spoiler: it’s real, and it’s gloriously weird.

A name that’s a mouthful

First, that name. “De Haura” isn’t a typo or a wizard’s spell. It’s old Norman French for “of the harbour.” Because this church was built right by the water.

It sounds like a legal document from 1066. But trust me, it’s way more fun than that.

This building is a boss-level history mashup

St Mary’s started life in 1120. Yes, the 12th century. That’s before Magna Carta. Before the printing press. Before pizza was invented (probably).

Parts of it are still original. You can touch stones that monks touched. Just don’t lick them. That’s weird.

It has a “secret” chapel that’s basically a cave

Downstairs, there’s the Lower Church. It’s a dark, vaulted crypt. It feels like a dungeon in a video game.

Locals call it “the chapel under the hill.” It was used by sailors and fishermen. Imagine praying here by candlelight, smelling of seaweed and salt. Romantic? Maybe. Damp? Absolutely.

The tower is a giant middle finger to gravity

The central tower is short and squat. But it has a crazy tilt. Look closely—it leans ever so slightly. Not Pisa-level, but enough to make you squint.

Why? Because the ground is sandy and the builders were ambitious. It’s been standing for 900 years. That’s what I call a committed menace.

It survived the French (sort of)

In 1377, French pirates raided Shoreham. They burned the town. They probably stole your ancestor’s goats. But they didn’t burn the church. Why? Because it was made of flint.

St Mary de Haura Church, Shoreham by Sea - Alchetron, the free social

Flint is basically stone glass. It doesn’t burn. So the church just sat there, smug and sparkly, while everything else turned to ash.

The graveyard is a comedy of errors

Walk around the churchyard. You’ll find gravestones with hilarious names. Like Thomas Tiddlywinks. (Okay, I made that up. But there are real gems.)

One stone reads: “Here lies John Blunt, who died suddenly.” What a way to go. No words. No warning. Just blunt.

Another dates from 1693. That’s older than the United States. Think about that while you sip your oat milk latte nearby.

It’s a silent star of TV and film

St Mary’s has been in Doctor Who. Yes, the TARDIS materialised here (metaphorically). It also appears in random BBC dramas.

Directors love it because it looks authentically ancient. No CGI needed. Just a bit of fog and a crow.

The doors have teeth

Seriously. The main door is covered in iron studs. They were meant to look scary. They worked.

Shoreham by Sea St Mary de Haura | National Churches Trust

If you touch them, they feel cold and bitey. It’s like the church is saying: “You can enter. Or you can leave. Your choice, chump.”

Why you should visit right now

Because it’s free. Because it’s quiet. Because the light through those tiny windows makes everything look holy and Instagram-worthy.

You can sit on a 800-year-old bench. You can breathe the same dusty air as knights. You can whisper a secret and it stays in the stone.

Also, there’s a café across the street. They do excellent scones. A spiritual experience with butter.

Final weird fact

The church is still active. People get married there. They have babies baptised. They host beer festivals in the crypt.

Yes. Beer. In the medieval dungeon. Jesus turned water into wine. These folks turn the crypt into a pub. That’s evolution.

So go. Touch the tilted tower. Giggle at John Blunt. Have a pint where monks once prayed.

St Mary’s De Haura isn’t just a church. It’s a time machine with a sense of humour. And it’s waiting for you.