10 Ways To Kill A Vampire

So, you’ve got a vampire problem. Maybe your neighbor keeps leaving empty blood bags on your doorstep—rude. Or your Tinder date shows up at sunset with a swoosh and a cape—red flag. Don’t panic; we’ve got you covered with ten delightfully medieval and surprisingly scientific ways to send that deadbeat to the eternal spa.

1. Sunlight: The Original Sunscreen Overdose

Step one: drag that sucker into the morning. Contrary to myth, vampires don’t instantly explode into glitter—not unless you’re in a Twilight novel. Real lore says they fry like bacon left in the pan too long. Fair warning: this works best if they aren’t wearing SPF 5000.

2. The Good Ol’ Wooden Stake

A sharp piece of ash, oak, or even a broken hockey stick through the heart is classic. Pro tip: aim for the left side of the chest—most vampires aren’t ambidextrous heart owners. Also, avoid using pine; it’s too splintery and they’ll just complain.

3. Garlic: Not Just for Pasta

Garlic works because vampires have ridiculously sensitive noses—think super-sniffer with anger issues. Rub it on your door, your breath, or your whole house. Surprising fact: in some cultures, vampires hate mustard seeds more than garlic. So, slather on the Grey Poupon for double defense.

4. Holy Water: The Blessed Super Soaker

Holy water burns their skin like, well, acid for the soulless. You don’t need a priest; just get water blessed at any church. But don’t use tap water—that’s just damp. Bonus: a squirt gun filled with holy water makes you look both heroic and ridiculous.

5. The Mirror Trick (And Why It Works)

Vampires have no reflection because their souls are, technically, on vacation. You don’t need to kill them with a mirror—just use it to check if they’re behind you. Or, if you’re feeling fancy, a mirrored wall can confuse them into walking into a closet. Embarrassing, but effective.

Tracing the blood-curdling origins of vampires, zombies, and werewolves

6. Decapitation: The Old Reliable

Chop the head off, and they can’t bite you post-mortem. It’s messy, final, and very dramatic. One historical manual suggests using a gravedigger’s shovel. Just remember: a garden spade works in a pinch, but a katana is way cooler.

7. Fire: Because Everything Burns

If you can’t find wood or holy water, apply fire liberally. Vampires are extra crispy—their blood is often described as flammable as a rocket booster. Light a match, yell “Vamperoo!” and toss it. Just don’t do this indoors during a gas leak.

8. The Running Water Barrier

Vampires cannot cross running water—rivers, streams, or even a fast-moving garden hose. So, if you’re being chased, jump into a creek. Or, if you’re lazy, just stand behind a sprinkler. They’ll panic like a cat in a bathtub.

How to Kill a Vampire (Series) - WSJ

9. The “Stake in the Mouth” Special

Bury a vampire with a stake through their mouth. This was a real Eastern European practice to stop them from chewing their way out of the grave. It’s less about killing and more about silencing complaints. Imagine the dentist bill for that.

10. The Wild Card: Music and Bell Ringing

Church bells annoy vampires to death—literally. In some folklore, the sound is like sonic weaponry to their ears. If you don’t have a church, blast death metal at 2 a.m. It won’t kill them, but they’ll move out of the neighborhood. And honestly, that’s a win.

Remember: stakes, fire, and humor are your best friends. Now go forth, stake ready, and don’t forget the garlic bread. You’ll need the carbs for running.