How Do You Kill A Witch

So, you’re standing in a field at midnight, clutching a garlic clove and a rubber duck, wondering how to deal with a suspected witch. First, take a deep breath. The whole "pointy hat and broomstick" thing? Largely a myth cooked up by 17th-century marketers. The real history of witch-killing is a baffling mix of folklore, bad science, and desperate human stupidity.

Drowning: The Original "Trust Fall"

In medieval Europe, the "swimming test" was the go-to method. You’d tie the poor soul up and toss them in a river. If they floated, they were guilty—because witches, being agents of the devil, supposedly rejected the holy water of baptism. If they sank and drowned, hey, at least they were innocent!

The logic here is about as solid as a soggy biscuit. By that standard, every log and buoy in the world would be a witch. Surprisingly, this "test" was used for centuries, killing thousands who just happened to be a little buoyant.

Fire: The Classic "Buzzkill"

Burning at the stake is the Hollywood go-to, but it was messy and expensive. In reality, most "witches" were hanged first, then burned after—to save on firewood. The most famous case? Joan of Arc wasn’t burned for sorcery but for wearing pants. Yes, pants.

And here’s a spicy fact: the last legal execution for witchcraft in Europe was in 1782 in Switzerland. The "witch" was a servant girl named Anna Göldi, who was beheaded for "spoiling milk." Apparently, lactose intolerance was a capital offense back then.

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The "Witch Pricker" Scam

If you really wanted to "prove" someone was a witch, you called in a witch pricker. These were traveling "experts" who jabbed suspects with needles looking for a spot that didn’t bleed. They claimed witches had a devil’s mark that was numb. Conveniently, the prickers used hollow needles that retracted into the handle—so they could fake a painless jab.

It was a get-rich-quick scheme. One famous pricker, Matthew Hopkins (self-titled "Witchfinder General"), killed over 300 women in England. He got paid per conviction. The man literally had a business model.

What Actually Works? (Spoiler: Nothing)

The uncomfortable truth? You can’t kill a witch because there’s no such thing. The "witch hunts" of history were really about controlling women, settling grudges, or stealing land. In Salem, Massachusetts, 1692, the hysteria started because a group of bored teenagers had a bad batch of rye bread (ergot fungus is a natural hallucinogen).

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One study found that 78% of accused witches in Europe were women over 50 with no male heirs. It wasn’t magic—it was inheritance theft with a side of misogyny.

Modern "Witch" Repellent

So, if you meet someone today claiming to be a witch? Don’t reach for the fire or the duck. Buy them a pumpkin spice latte. Modern witches are usually just nice people who like crystals, gardening, and annoying their neighbors with sage smoke. The best way to kill a witch is with kindness—or a Netflix subscription.

And if you’re really worried? Remember that every time you sneeze, you’re blowing out tiny particles of your soul. But that’s an article for another café chat. Stay skeptical, my friends.