Nfl Espn Picks Week 9

Welcome back, football degenerates. We’re diving headfirst into Week 9 of the NFL, and ESPN has once again consulted their ancient oracles—and possibly a Magic 8-Ball—to bring us their picks. Spoiler alert: they’re still trying to figure out if the New York Giants are actually bad, or just hilariously bad. Let’s break down the chaos with a side of nachos.

The “Don’t Overthink This” Games

ESPN is all in on the Kansas City Chiefs, picking them to steamroll the Miami Dolphins like a lawnmower on a dandelion. Patrick Mahomes is basically playing Madden on rookie mode, while Tua Tagovailoa is still trying to remember which hand he throws with. Spoiler: the Chiefs win by 14, and the only drama will be whether Taylor Swift shows up to hug Travis Kelce for 0.3 seconds.

Over in Philadelphia, the Eagles are favored to squash the Dallas Cowboys like a bug on a windshield. The Cowboys’ defense is leaky, their offense is sputtering, and Dak Prescott has the look of a man who just realized he left the oven on. Surprising fact: Dallas hasn’t won in Philadelphia since 2017, which is roughly when we all still trusted the weather app.

The “Coin Flip” Specials

This week’s most ridiculous matchup? The Las Vegas Raiders vs. the Detroit Lions. ESPN is picking the Lions, because apparently the universe has decided that Jared Goff deserves a redemption arc. The Raiders, meanwhile, are led by Jimmy Garoppolo, who throws passes like he’s handing out secret notes in study hall. Fun fact: the Lions haven’t won a road game against the Raiders since 1967, but this week they’re a 3-point favorite. That’s like betting on a penguin to win a hot dog eating contest.

NFL Week 9 Predictions and Picks 2024: ESPN Pick'em Week 9 - YouTube

Then there’s the Seattle Seahawks at Baltimore Ravens. ESPN likes the Ravens, mostly because Lamar Jackson is currently playing like he’s plugged into a power outlet. Geno Smith is having a solid season, but his offensive line looks like a collapsing Jenga tower. The over/under is 46, which means Vegas expects a shootout, or possibly just a lot of punts.

The “Wait, They’re Still Playing?” Game

Did you know the Chicago Bears are somehow still on the schedule? ESPN is picking them to lose to the New Orleans Saints, because Justin Fields is a running back pretending to be a quarterback. The Saints, led by Derek Carr, are the football equivalent of a lukewarm cup of coffee—not terrible, but nothing to write home about. Laughable fact: this game is somehow nationally televised. I’m sorry in advance to your Sunday afternoon.

Espn Nfl Week 9 Picks And Predictions

And let’s not forget the New York Jets at the New York Giants, a.k.a. the “Bowl of Sadness.” ESPN is picking the Jets, mostly because Aaron Rodgers is now in street clothes yelling at people from the sideline. The Giants are starting a pair of undrafted rookies at offensive tackle, which is like using paper plates to hold a hurricane. Surprising fact: this game will have more combined turnovers than a bakery on a busy Saturday.

The Final Word

ESPN’s Week 9 picks are a mixed bag of logic, prayer, and pure luck. The Chiefs, Eagles, and Ravens are safe bets, while games like Raiders-Lions are guaranteed to make your couch shake with rage. Remember: picking against the Bears is free money, and the Cowboys haven’t won in Philly since Obama was president. Now go grab a beer, set your lineup, and try not to curse at the TV for three straight hours. You’re welcome.